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It has been a little longer since my last blog, mainly because of me posting the last one (“Black Clouds and Shining Light”). After posting it, it threw me for a bit of a curve. I had been building up over several weeks to post the “big reveal” about my child abuse. I can openly speak about it with people, but I got to choose when and who I spoke to. But putting out there for the WHOLE world to see, well that, as it turned out, was a different matter.
As a result, there were some things that came up for me after posting the blog. I felt very flat for several days afterwards. Now it wasn’t depression, because as you are aware I know exactly how that feels, but I was definitely deflated. I had a chat to my (life) coach and went through what had happened.
What I realized is that I had lost control of a massive part of my life – my secret. I had given it away for the world to see and the body responded accordingly. Once I understood it was “the control thing” – which, by the way, has reared its head on several occasions in the last 6 months – then I was able to accept it, and move on.
So, I made a conscious decision, not to write until I had worked through it and felt I understood it. The motivation to write had left me for a little while, but, as you can see, I am back.
Due to the wild ride I have been on over the past 6 months, understanding my behaviors, my emotions, my reactions and my responses, it has made me realize just how much effect the child abuse has had on my life. This has been a massive “OH MY GOD”, for me.
It has affected so many layers of my life I really do understand what the great philosopher Shrek, was talking about. I am just like an onion. Every time I peel a layer back, I find another layer.
Here are some of the behaviors that I realized were influencing my life, (some) without knowing it. Thankfully now I am aware of it, I have, or am currently working on them:
Road rage – now I don’t “go off” so they can see or hear me (except poor Kim), but I hated inconsiderate drivers. You know the ones doing 85 in a 100km zone or continue to slow down looking for a place rather than just pulling over. I used to get furious and the spray I gave would make any sailor blush. Now I understand they may have their own issues and I just let it go. I also understood I could not “control” their actions (there it is again).
Shutting down – When I didn’t want to face something I just emotionally shut down. My heart wasn’t open, or my mind.
Hated confrontation – I didn’t want to confront any issues. I didn’t like arguing. I didn’t like uncomfortable conversation. I didn’t want to face anyone about an error (because I wasn’t being the perfect goodie two shoes). I hated it all and just crawled back into my shell.
I wouldn’t speak up or stand up for myself – shut up and just go with the flow.
I didn’t believe in myself – I may have done to a point with certain things. But deep to my core, there was no true success, no real love (of myself or others) or true self-belief, because I believed I didn’t deserve them.
I hated compliments – They made me feel sooo uncomfortable. Internally I would run from anything positive someone said. They made me squirm.
And I never even knew I was doing some of these most of the time. It was one thing seeing these patterns and behaviors, but it’s another thing to understand WHY it was the way it was.
I’ve been very lucky, and it’s all due to timing. As these emotions, realizations and confusions came up for me, I have been able to work through it with some amazing people who are not only my fellow coaching students, but also my mentors.
And what has come up at the bottom of nearly every issue, behavior, belief etc.…
“I’m not worthy!”
Being able to see that, understand the reasoning, then working on negating that belief and re-enforcing positive behavior and thoughts, have enabled me to grow and move past it.
It has allowed me to forgive and understand the old me. But more importantly I can embrace the new, and I am very excited about all the possibilities for the future.
We all should be.
I can’t wait to see what’s under the next layer of my personal onion.
